The other day I was sitting in a parking lot in my car, with the windows down, when I became aware of a speakerphone conversation in a car (also with the windows down), close to me. A man was on the phone in his car, presumably with his (ex) wife, in not an exactly relaxed tone.
– But don’t you understand that I just want to live my own life? – the Man shouted.
– But it’s normal the way we’ve been doing it! – said the Woman.
– Normal?? – the Man got even more outraged. – Well, it might be normal for you, but it’s certainly not for me!
After that I left the scene but this conversation accompanied me and made me think. How interesting it is what each person considers ‘normal’ in their own life. And I’m using the expression in quotes intentionally. After all, there are as many ways of defining ‘normal’ as there are people. In this above brief interaction, this is exactly what was thought-provoking. What was ‘normal’ for the Woman was completely off the chart for the Man. And the Woman couldn’t understand why the Man thought something completely different was ‘normal’.
To argue about this without understanding, acceptance, exploration and agreement is a fruitless exercise. Because if everyone sticks to their own idea of what is ‘normal’, which is not compatible with the other person’s idea of the same, then a stalemate will ensue. Everyone is convinced that they are right, without even thinking about that the truth can have various shades and angles.
But first, let’s look at where the things you think are ‘normal’ in your life come from.
What do you consider ‘normal’?
Some of your ‘normal’ comes from the family you grew up in. The roles that your parents took in the family life, the way they communicated with each other and with their children, the way they worked, the way they approached life in general, etc., etc., you consider ‘normal’. At least until you realize that some of what was fine for your parents is not fine for you, personally. These realizations might come already in the young childhood, or later on, or it is also possible that they never come. Depends on the individuals.
What is certain, is that the ‘normal’ things you bring from your family are worth looking at from the outside with a slightly more critical eye from time to time.
Maybe they did it that certain way and it was okay for them, but is it really okay for you? Or do you just go along the path you’ve learned routinely and don’t even bother with this kind of positive critical thinking and questioning? Conversely, because you are not turning your critical thinking inward, towards yourself and not reflecting on your own functioning, are you perhaps being outwardly critical and judgmental towards others?
Someone who is unwilling or unable to look at their own life with at least a little from outside, may be more prone to judge others.
After all, when they see that things can work differently than their own ones do, they do not start to scrutinise their own functioning, but can declare that everyone who does things differently from them is doing it wrong. That way, at least they can talk about how badly everyone else is doing it and not have to worry about their own stuff. Because if they did, they would have to admit that they have been wrong about something and that they should change it. And that means facing it and investing energy.
But if you want to move on with your routine-life, you want to invest the minimum amount of energy. And so, you continue on the same path, blindly, without looking around.
Then, of course, there are those kinds of ‘normal’ things in your life that you yourself have created. Because even though you didn’t see it growing up, even though you weren’t influenced by it in your life up to that point, you decided once in the meantime that from now on you were going to build it in. For example, when you were a child, it was not ‘normal’ to go on weekend excursions, yet you have built this into your life. So, from now on, it becomes a habit for you to go hiking every weekend. This is obviously a very simple example, but this is how it can work to incorporate something that becomes ‘normal’ into your life.
If something is ‘normal’, is it also psychologically healthy?
In short: no, not at all. That’s why the positive critical questioning mentioned earlier is necessary – directed inwards, towards yourself, of course.
After all, we bring so much with us, we put so much on ourselves, unnoticed, in the course of our lives. By the law of large numbers, it will happen that at least some of these, although ‘normal’ for us, are not healthy.
For example, if you grew up with parents who didn’t praise you for the good things you did, but always punished you for the bad things, this may be ‘normal’ for you. Consequently, this may be the way you communicate and behave with the people around you, your own family, your children, your friends, your colleagues. Because this is ‘normal’ – but not healthy at all. If you recognise this and change it, you have a winning case. If you don’t recognise it, you can be for example judgemental of those who ‘overpraise’ their children – at least in your opinion they do so.
It can also cause great tension within a relationship when it becomes clear that the two parties have fundamentally different ideas of what is ‘normal’.
If a man thinks that it is ‘normal’ for a woman only to manage the household, raise the children and keep the house in order, then it can cause a lot of conflict between the two of them if she wants some me-time for herself during which time he should be doing these things.
Or if it is ‘normal’ for the woman that the man should be able to do all the repairs and DIY around the house and never have to call in a professional, then it can cause a big problem if the man doesn’t do something of these.
How can you ensure that most of your ‘normal’ things are healthy as well?
Self-reflection, conscious thinking, willingness to change, willingness to act, communication – that’s how I would sum it up. But what I mean by these:
Self-reflection – think about your own functioning, what are the things that are ‘normal’ for you. Are they also healthy?
Conscious thinking – if you find something that you consider to be unhealthy, what is the origin of this? From where did you bring this with you? Find the root cause so you can resolve it.
Willingness to change – commit to the change, because only then will you be able to achieve real and long-lasting results.
Willingness to act – and to keep doing it. Even when it’s hard. Even when you are scared at first. Even when you want to give up and go back to your routine. Even then, stick with it and remember that you started this whole thing for a reason!
Communication – and communication and communication. With the people who are directly or indirectly involved in the fact that you’re now trying to move from what was ‘normal’ to something healthier. Talk to your partner, friends, anyone involved about what you’ve figured out and what you’re going to do from now on instead of the old thing. Tell them about what the new ‘normal’ is for you. Which will hopefully be a much healthier functioning for all of you, but at least a good starting point for creating a new ‘normal’ together.
.
Related articles
The pleaser syndrome: signs, disadvantages and the healing process
Changing yourself and your life – Why so painful?
Are you success-oriented or a failure-avoider?
Everyone can only see what they are ready for…
Expectations, that we should let go of
As a grown-up becoming and Adult
The trap of “…but what will others think”
The danger of the ’love-chocolates’
The Three Graces: self-evaluation, self-esteem, self-confidence
Helping others and accepting help
Starving for crumbs of attention
Do you think you don’t deserve it to be good?
Reasons of the self-confidence crisis and the recovery process
holisticcoachingtherapy.com 