The Saviour role is certainly familiar to some of you. When you entering a relationship, next to your physically or emotionally abusive partner, you feel that you need to save them. After all, you see the good in him, you see that under / behind the lot of hurting, emotional blackmailing, emotional terror, maybe even physical abuse, he is a good person, deep in his soul, maybe a previously abused little child. And you decide to help this little child. That you will bring this good out of him, beautifully up to the surface, the ice will break, the bad things will go away forever and then you will live happily ever after.
But in most cases, it never happens.
Yet, what keeps you in such a relationship?
The hope that one day all will be well. And maybe there are times when everything seems to work the way you want to. But then it starts all over again.
I call this that “he throws you a bone“. The abuser throws you a positive experience that you can happily chew on for a while, thinking that from now on everything will be beautiful and good.
But the bone runs out, and your partner restarts his basic attitude to life, to the relationship, to you (or maybe he never changed it, even temporarily, you just didn’t notice it during chewing on the bone). It is a vicious circle from which you can only break out with a huge amount of energy and determination.
Don’t think that you’ll save that once abused little child who is your partner now, who himself became the abuser. Don’t think that he will change for you. That love will solve everything. The key to solving his problem is not you, but himself.
If he doesn’t recognize the situation, if he doesn’t want to change and in the meantime you are the victim, the emotionally or physically abused one, then what are you hoping for?
We all decide for ourselves as what kind of person we want to live our lives. Then if we don’t like it, it is also us, who have to decide to change that. If we want to change ourselves. Not changing others. Everyone must take responsibility for their own lives and act for their own happiness. Even that once abused little kid who is your abusive partner today.
You don’t have to save him; you need to save yourself.
You don’t need to love him; you need to love yourself. Start with yourself. Look into yourself.
Why do you feel the need to save others?
Why is the interest of others always more important than your own?
What is the thing within you that you are not willing to face and that makes you more focused on saving others and investing your energies there?
What can you do to love yourself more?
How much do you value yourself?
How much do you believe that you deserve a happy life?
How much do you consider yourself while being in an abusive relationship? Not at all. Only if you learn to love yourself, will people love you the way you really need it. You will only be able to receive the mighty, true, pure love from others if you also love, respect and appreciate yourself.
Don’t save others, save yourself!
Note: Being a woman, I have now described my thoughts from a female perspective, the woman being the saviour and the man being the abuser. However, the opposite of this, the man saviour and the abusive woman, is an equally existing example. Interpret the above lines accordingly, if necessary.
The article in the CuerpoMente newspaper “Por qué le quieres, aunque te trate mal” (“Why Do You Love Him, Despite He Treats You Badly”) served as the inspiration for my writing.