Some time ago, while having a chat with one of my friends, I encountered with this expression: emotional energy self-service. What does it mean for me exactly? I will tell you.

For me it means those people, who give, give, give and in return…. Well, they don’t really get anything in return.

They give love, attention, help, energy even from their own (actually, mainly from their own). However, they themselves are lost somewhere in this whole thing, their supplies are continuously depleating. Either because they cannot charge back as quickly as they give away, or because whatever they receive from others they cannot accept and internalise.

I am sure that many of you have felt already that after an encounter or chat with someone you headed home or hung up the phone with a real deep tiredness. You give the other person your attention, care, energy, take over their feelings, problems which drain you completely. In these cases the other person is not able to give you anything. They need you in these cases. Whatever you give to them, they take it and sometimes even more, if you are not cautious enough. And you become empty – and not in the good sense. You energy level is down, your good mood is down the drain and you don’t understand why you feel yourself so down. This is why. Because you let the other person to self-service him- or helself. Of you.

This can happen in any kind of human connections. With your partner, family member, friend, anyone. I understand that there are some special occasions, when we only give. However, if this connection is always one-sided, you can get really badly hurt. Practically your own good is at stake. Imagine, if you give to everyone else, what remains for you? How will you manage your own things then?

Then, of course, there is that situation when the other person also gives to you, but for some reason you cannot accept and internalise it.

This is a topic which is worth a deeper personal investigation, for example on a therapy session. Still, you yourself can also think about why it happens this way. Why you cannot accept the help from others, their encouragement and their addition to your life.

It is simple mathematics. If you give more than you accept, sooner or later you will go to negative; even if you started from a high number (which means a high energy level).

10-x+y=…?

When you are in the negative, you are already in the need of thinking about who are those people who can give to you. When you think about all the people around you in these times, you can end up with an interesting result. Maybe you will notice, that the majority of your connections are basically based on you giving to them and that’s it. And when the time comes that you would need a little boost, you can think about a lot less people.

Naturally, the final goal would be for everyone to be able to charge themselves on their own, be able to get back to their balance on their own, without the need of any external intervention.

I get it, but this is a process to get there. Learning, improving. And while you are on the way there, you will also need a safety net. Those people who you can count on when you need energy, help and support.

When you don’t only give, but you also get – when these two are at least in balance. When you also allow yourself to receive from other people.

If you feel you have ever been in such a situation, think deeper about your human connections.

Why are these people in your life? What do you give them and what do they give to you and to your life? Does is still worth being so much attached to them? What is the connection between you two based on? Past injuries, damages, the need of running old harmful patterns or based on reciprocity, love and kindness?

This is what matters. ¤