Even though you hurt me so much, why is it so difficult to let you go?

In the past couple of weeks I bumped into this topic so many times, that now I really need to write about it.

Ladies, I have been seeing that we are in relationships, where – if we really let ourselves see realistically – we are suffering. The man in our life is everything but a partner in life. He talks despised of us, or if he does not talk, he thinks about us that way. He does not care about how we feel ourselves, what our needs are. He lets us down when a more difficult situation comes along the way, than the usual one. He directs all his focus on himself, not caring about us or anything around himself – other than his own self. We, Ladies, are hurt in this relationship over and over again. One disappointment comes after the other and we are still with this person.


Why are we in this situation after all?


I am sorry to say, but we create this whole thing for ourselves, Ladies. Not consciously, of course. That would be the most insane thing ever. But there is something deep inside us, which wants someone to hurt us. And then make up for it. And hurt us again. And again, make up for it. This constant opening and closing is the pattern we bring from somewhere. And this is exactly what we want to re-live subconsciously. Hence, we get these men in our life, who give us what “we want”. If it is more wounds on our heart, it is that.

It can hurt so much, that you lose hope, you lose yourself – but you are still sticking with the relationship, you still cannot leave this man.


What are you waiting for?


You are waiting for him to change? He won’t. Maybe you can see some improvement from time to time, but the basis of the situation most probably will not change profoundly.

You are waiting for the last drop in the glass to be full and then you will….? You will what? You will leave then? Only then? Why hasn’t this so far been enough for you? Why do you want another painful experience with him? Why are you afraid of stepping out, stepping up for yourself and leave?

You are waiting for someone else to come in your life instead of him? I believe you already feel that this is really not ideal to be able to leave one person only of there is already another one waiting for his turn at your door. You will most probably get the same “package” all over again.


Why is it so hard to decide to quit from this relationship?


There can be many reasons. In these past weeks I have seen several of them around myself.

Maybe you still believe you can change him. But you cannot change anyone. You can only change yourself, but not any other person.

Maybe you want to believe that you can make this situation better. If you are in a relationship with someone, you – alone – cannot change this relationship. Only the two of you together can change it. And if he is not open to this, again you are on your own. This way, it is hard to have a full change – if ever possible.

Maybe you are still addicted to the good moments, that you have sometimes. “But when it is good, it is so really good!” – I hear that so many times. Please, put it on a scale. More of the good or more of the bad? Be honest with yourself. I understand that we can feel that the good things’ weight is more than that of the bad things, but come on… If more bad than good, why making yourself suffer?

Maybe you are still sticking to the ideal that you thought about him when you met. Which is way gone by now. Actually, maybe it has never been there, it only existed in your mind. He was never like that. Even if he showed he was – in the beginning at least – it was just a mask. A mask to win your trust, to make you addicted with him. And when this mission was accomplished, he showed his true face, which had nothing to do with what you thought of him before. And you are still there, waiting for that intial moment to come again.

Maybe you are addicted to that little crumble of attention he gives to you. No matter how little that is. Because it can still be a lot more than you think you can get elsewhere. But this is not right. You need to realise, that what you get here, in this relationship, is a big nothing, it is a fraud.


What can we do in these situations if we want to quit, Ladies?


1. Start to turn the focus on yourself instead of him. Think about what you want. About what you need.

2. Start to do things that make you feel happy and energised – and all of these without the man in question.

3. Start to build yourself up, regardless of the man.

4. Start to close him out of your life. If you cannot do it with the all-at-once method, write an action plan with gradual steps. How are you going to close down all the channels with him, one step at a time?

5. Start to think about what you needed to learn from this whole painful situation. And learn it! So that you will not have to be in one like this again.

6. Start to think about how you behaved with men before. Maybe you did the same to some of them previously? Realise your own mistakes as well. It is also part of the healing process, there is no shame in it.

7. Decide to stop the pattern. Heal your wounds. Picture another path for yourself for the future. ¤


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