I see how many people are in self-confidence crisis. No matter how much they have all the abilities to have their self-confidence at the healthy level, it is not the case. They feel that they are not enough, that they are worthless, weak, ugly, untalented. I wish they could feel what we see from outside!

Where does this big gap of perception come from?

Even though the background is different, which caused the lack of self-confidence, as a coach I mainly see two typical cases: parents and relationship.

In the early years of our age the parents mean the whole world for a child. If as a child we do not get the unconditional love from our parents, if we don’t get the acceptance and freedom to live by our uniqueness and by our own personalities, it leads directly to the decrease of the self-confidence and self-consciousness. Not even mentioning, when a parent, or a pair of parents concretely degrade their children and they condition them that they are not worthy. Not worthy of life, of love, or of anything, for that matter. If someone grows up as a child of such parents, it guarantees that he or she will not dare to show their own self, will not be able to see realistically their knowledge, skills, their whole being.

If someone was lucky enough to grow up as a child of supporting parents, however they slip into a psychologically abusive relationship, that can also demolish the previously existing healthy self-confidence. When one’s partner starts to tear into pieces the other’s healthy self-confidence due to their subconscious jealousy for example, with the aim of dragging them so deep down, where he/she can be the “better”. This is (also) a very dangerous psychological game, especially for the victim, who can maybe only see how deep wounds they have received when they are already out of the relationship.

What can you do if you realise that you are in a self-confidence crisis?

What I also tell to my clients in such cases is that the most important thing here is the patience – towards yourself. As most probably it took a long time for your self-confidence got to this low level, it will also take time to build it back. Neither in this process there are miracles, not even if some “god” self-help books would state differently. The sudden changes come together with the fact that they only mean a superficial solution. However, when we build (back) the self-confidence, it has to happen profoundly and starting deep down, inside our soul, not by working on the surface.

How can you start the process even without outside help?

No matter where has been the focus of your life until now (on your parents, your partner, your kids, etc), turn it back to yourself completely, or at least in a bigger part than before. Find your way (back again) to your needs, do something for yourself, change your lifestyle. Allow yourself to be important for you!

DO things that recharge your batteries. Let is be a sport activity, a walk, reading, meeting again with friends, going out, anything. The most important here is to do something that you do for yourself and it gives your positive energy.

Without having energy, you cannot work on your tasks, neither on the physical, nor on the mental side.

Do creative things, during which you can get to the flow state of mind, in which you can “get lost” for a little while. The main point of the flow state of mind, invented by Mihály Csíkszentmihályi, is that you do something, that occupies you so much in the good way, that time seems to be non-existent. And if you can reach this through a creative activity, that will increase your energy level even more.

When you are already at a good energy level, the next step can come, which can build your self-confidence more directly. Find an activity for yourself which you like doing and you are also good at it. Start in small and move forward step by step.

As the door opens in front of you, allowing you to see your real skills and abilities, your self-confidence will stand at an even more and more stable and safe foundation; to which you can build new and new floors.

In this process the step distance can be increased continuously. As your inner, real, solid self-confidence increases, you will be able to start bigger and bigger things, which will help you find back to yourself in a healthy and real manner.

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