The other day I saw a Spanish movie that taught adult men techniques about picking up women. This topic itself is not new, there have been various American films about it too. However, while watching this movie, I remembered that it’s not just the movie screen where you can come across something like this.

There are such groups and courses, even in my home country, Hungary. Many years ago, I ran into a video of such a Hungarian ‘training’ on the internet. As a woman, I had a strong negative feeling about what I saw and heard there. Then a few years later, I came across a book about this whole original American pickup-training theory and group. I read that one as well. I absolutely recommend this book to everyone, because here at least – unlike in the movies and on the trainings – it turns out why this methodology isn’t exactly expedient. The book is written by Neil Strauss, its title is The Game.

But what is the problem with these ‘top-best-sure methods’ of picking up ladies, through my professional, coach eyes and through my eyes as a woman?

These methods are for those (young) men who do not dare to approach women. Therefore, the whole method and trainings are meant to teach this to the guys. In itself, it wouldn’t be a bad idea, but somehow it is not implemented from the right angle. The men learn these tips, tricks that can be used to mingle with ladies. And the end goal is to have a “closure,” which, if I remember correctly, means at least the kiss, but maybe the sex as well. And the woman is just an object in this case.

The more “closures” there are during a party, the better… Well, that made me shocked even many years ago.

In this method there is zero respect for the other sex, it does not take it into consideration that all people are different and that the end goal of dating is not (should not be) kiss and sex but a fulfilled and happy relationship based on love, equality and mutual respect. In these cases, such things are not on the plate at all.

What’s also a problem with these ‘top’ pickup methods is that they don’t solve the basic problem of the men. He doesn’t dare go to a woman and have a chat with her? It happens many times. The reason for this should be found individually, by digging deep – rather than only using the superficial technique of firefighting, to teach him some methods that don’t even take into consideration the inner real issues of the person. Depth is missing. The real solution is missing. Because by using the method it can happen that there will be a conversation, a kiss, or sex; but what is going to happen the next day? What if a relationship starts? The problem is only postponed in time, but not solved at all. Sooner or later, the real problems come to the surface because they did stay there all along.

Such methods can certainly help shy men a bit, it will definitely boost their self-confidence – but only temporarily. Then they will most likely fall even bigger from that higher self-confidence.

Or if they don’t fall, their lives can go towards a completely misunderstood direction – when it comes to women, flirting, dating and relationships.

Many years ago, before I started to work as a coach, I ran into a group of such young men at a party in Budapest. Since I had already heard and read about this concept at that time, I immediately realized that they were on a ‘field practice’. They came to us too. In the hands of the young gentlemen hung some orange string that served as a conversation trigger. They looked very nervous. I thought I would help them a bit and picked up the so-called ‘orange thread of the conversation’. I asked why those were in their hands. We talked to them about it for a few minutes, and then everyone continued their own evening. What was good for them in this is that they could really talk to girls, but I don’t think that in the long run it meant The One Solution Above All.

I believe that if someone has a problem, with schemes and ‘best practices’ it can only be improved up to a certain limited level. After that, everyone needs to deal with their individual issues, in a targeted way.

Because while on the surface, such men may all be ‘just’ shy, the underlying reason for that already requires individual examination. And also, an individual solution. As in other areas of our lives, instant miracles are not the solution. There is no one method that always works for everyone in all circumstances. The individual inner introspection and the individual work are inevitable. In that case, of course, when someone – instead of superficial, quick and suddenly spectacular results – is looking for a real, deep and lasting solution. Either as a man or a woman.

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