The other day I went on a date, which ended up being an interesting experience… Again.
During this encounter I have managed to see such things that I hadn’t before; such things that I found useful for you Gentlemen to write about. So that you can ensure that you are not going to make these very same mistakes yourselves, whenever you are out on a date with a woman.
So how did the actual date go with the ‘anxious monologist’?
After a short chat, he took the first step and asked me if I would like to meet in person and we agreed on a date and time. The first interesting thing was, that he arranged our date in the area of the city where he lives. I have experienced this in the past. Dates with such beginnings were never long ones, to be honest. When the Man is only interested in meeting up close to home, for me, as a woman, I feel that they are not willing to invest too much energy into the relationship. Not even the energy of traveling half an hour to meet the woman. But I decided to put aside my negative experiences and go for it.
I arrived at the time and place we agreed, I wrote to him, that I had arrived by the statue. Then it turned out that the actual square was some meters away, so I asked if I should go there or if he would come to the statue. He didn’t reply, only to my first message that he was on his way. About 15 minutes past our agreed time, he wrote back, that he didn’t know where this statue was. So, I wrote him that I would walk to the square.
While this was happening – me waiting 15 minutes for his reply, finding our way to each other – I had the feeling that he was not really bothered about arriving on time, even though he lived nearby and I was the one who came from half an hour away. But this was just a feeling, without any solid proof in my hands. However, he didn’t apologise for not being on time, not even later.
After that, while walking towards the square, we met halfway. I was curious about how he was going to greet me. But he did not. At all. Actually, he almost passed me by. I said hi to him then” I am Dóri.” “His response was: “Yes, I know”. Ok….. Great… Then we started to walk together, he lead the way. Somewhere. Because he didn’t tell me where we were going. “By the park” he said. But whether his plan was to take a walk in the park or find a place there for a drink, I didn’t know. I tried to talk to him on this walk of about 5-8 minutes, but he was not really in the mood to talk. So, most of the time, we walked silently next to each other. On the way to somewhere.
Already a very… what is the right word here?…. questionable start to a date. I tried to ask during our walk, where we were going exactly, but he continued walking with no direct answer. However, a very important thing happened during this time – he asked me in which part of the city I live. It was an important moment because – as it turned out later on – this was the only question he asked me during the whole evening.
Eventually, we arrived at a place by the park, where we could sit down for drinks. And another very meaningful thing happened.
We sat at a table, across from each other. But before he sat down, he turned his chair sideways, so that basically I could see only his shoulder the whole time. He did not turn towards me from across the table. And what was even worse, is that he barely made eye contact. He looked at me once about every fifteen minutes.
Well, I am a coach. I am well aware of the meaning of the body language. His sitting position meant that he is actually not interested in me, he did not want to connect with me at any level. Maybe this is how he is with all women, or maybe only with me – I don’t know. Not keeping eye contact can mean that he is anxious, nervous, embarrassed or something similar. Which I understand, dating can be a stressful situation for many people.
I sensed his anxiety. Besides the above two signs, the way he also showed it was during his monologue. Basically, during the whole date he was telling stories, talking about different things. Sometimes I had the chance to reflect or ask a question, but he didn’t seem to need it very much. Whenever I tried to connect to him through his story, by sharing a similar experience, he didn’t seem to care.
How do I know he didn’t care?
There was hardly any reaction from him to what I was saying, sometimes he just ‘allowed’ me to speak and then continued with his own things. Sometimes there were long silent pauses in the monologue. By that time, I gave up trying to connect, so I just let the pauses happen and wondered, whether it would occur to him that this would be the time for him to ask me a question. About my job… About my family… About what I did last weekend… About what I like doing in my free time… About anything, really. But it never happened.
He also also showed his distress about dating someone in the time we spent at the place by drinking two pints of beer – and this helped him keep a little more frequent eye contact and have less pauses in his monologue. But even those pints couldn’t help the fact, that this Man unfortunately didn’t know how to connect with a woman.
While sitting on the bus back home from the date, I was thinking about those really good dates I had previously with one other guy. How well he did ,what he did and that indeed it can be done well, Gentlemen. (You can read about that particular dating experience on this link. It is worth it, you can learn from him, believe me). I was also wondering while travelling back home, whether this current ‘anxious monologist’ dating partner of mine knew that he lacks the ability of connecting to women? Has anyone ever told him, that he would need some improvement in that area?
Well, we will never know that now, as by the next morning he mismatched me without a word.
I was not surprised at all; I knew that this was coming.
Dear Gentlemen, what can you learn from this story? I have listed some things for you, to hopefully make it easier to connect with a woman on a date.
The learnings and hints & tips
#1 Communication, Communication, Communication
But how? Not the monologue! Please make sure that on your date you have a two-way communication. Talk, ask, actively listen, react, reflect. In a flow. As a whole, not just using some parts of it. Please. Thank you.
#2 You are allowed to make mistakes
If you happen to arrive late to the date (because it can happen to anyone), please at least say sorry and explain it. Honesty and transparency are very important already at this very first step. No one is perfect, that includes you and me as well. But if we own our mistakes, that can help us through the uncomfortable situations and future misunderstandings.
#3 Let the information flow
Let your dating partner know what your plans are for the date. For example: going for a walk in the park, having a drink at a bar here by the corner or a coffee in the café over there, grabbing a bite or whatever. But do not keep the lady in the dark. Especially if she would explicitly like to know what is about to happen.
#4 Manage your anxiety
If you are nervous on the first date, you can even say it. Who hasn’t been there? By saying it, you can also diffuse a part of it. Me, as a woman, I would definitely appreciate the Man coming clean about it. And maybe, the woman you are dating will tell you the same and you can also have a good laugh about it – plus, there is already something in common. A good tip to conquer your anxiety, is to make the woman talk instead of you talking. Prepare some questions in your head beforehand. So that while you ask the question and she replies, you can calm down a bit. (but please avoid the “Tell me about yourself” question… I am sure you can be a lot more creative than that )
#5 Try to get to know the woman
The point of a date is to get to know each other better. Or at least it should be… So, if you are there because your long-term goal is to have a relationship with someone, that starts by getting to know the person. And on the first date, you already have a fantastic opportunity for that! Use it wisely.
#6 Watch your body language
Even if some wouldn’t think so, our body language tells everything about us. On a previous date with the ‘floater’ I already experienced the body language that suggested to me that he is not interested in what I was talking about. That was the leaning back to the chair, whenever I started to talk. And crossing his arms. Or like now, the sideways-sitting, not even facing me, not talking directly to me during the whole time. If you would like to do it well, turn to the woman, look at her and try to be as open as you can. But of course, avoid staring and showing your interest by almost leaning across the whole table towards her. Because that can easily become too much as well. Find the middle ground. Practice, practice, practice.
#7 If you do not wish to continue dating her, courteously let her know
Do not ghost! I know, it is easy. I know, it doesn’t take much energy. I know, on these dating apps it seems so obvious to do so. But it is so rude… It is so disrespectful… Even though she is not going to be the love of your life, that woman is also a person, a human being. With feelings. Try to respect those. If you want to be respected as a man, it starts by you respecting women. (I wrote this sentence in a previous article of mine already, but I believe it is always worth emphasizing it.) Eventually, it will reach back to you, believe me.
So next time when you are going on a date, read again through the above 7 points and prepare yourself. Believe me, dating is not necessarily easy for anyone, you are not alone. But the more aware you are of yourself, the more you practice, the better you can become. Step by step, always getting closer to your goal.
If you would like to read more about my dating experiences (from which you can also learn some more useful things for your own dating), visit my dating articles compilation on my Holistic Coaching Therapy site.
Good luck to all of you,
The article was published in the Menprovement Magazine at this link.
Related articles in my Article Compilations:
3 do’s and don’ts of creating a great online dating profile
Top 5 epic dating fails of men – from a female perspective
One-night-stand with the Tinder
Extreme date with an extreme narcissist
A real-life interesting chat talk
The psychological game of ‘floating’ through the example of my dating partner
There you go Gentlemen, it can be done well!
Dating in the time of Covid – a.k.a the appearing-disappearing man
Top(?) tips for picking up ladies – through the eyes of a woman and coach