I’ve heard men say that before, as a complaint. Obviously from men, who felt they did not belong in that category. They were nice and kind men instead. And they complained that women didn’t appreciate their kindness. Because women want someone – they think – who is a Bad Guy, who is rude to them, who disrespects them.
I’ve heard women say that before. “I’m into Bad Guys, I cannot change that.” These women like a man to be impulsive, the macho type, to have to fight for him and for his attention. These women look past the Good Guys and really don’t take them seriously. Instead, they prefer to connect with men who challenge them. Who always have a surprise for them – and not necessarily in a good way.
It is a fact, that there are women who like the Bad Guy category (if you insist categorizing them, which is not a good thing, I want to add). But I would not say at all, that all women want them. But surely, many do. However, I definitely want to emphasize, that there are women who would rather vote for a Good Guy.
But what is it based on, whether a woman chooses a Good Guy or a Bad Guy? What are the underlying reasons? Is a vote for one type or the other permanent? How can this be changed? You can read my thoughts on these questions below.
But first, let’s look at the characteristics of these two types.
The Good Guy
In my opinion, a real Good Guy is someone who is thoughtful, caring, attentive, considerate. Someone who feels and senses his partner, who likes to please her, who is nice to talk to. The Good Guy has a healthy emotional state, a real high emotional intelligence and a high self-awareness. He doesn’t live his life ruled by his ego, he is not attracted by situations where he needs to prove his strength or power. He doesn’t live to compete; he doesn’t want to get on top by pushing others down.
The Good Guy – again, according to my own dictionary – is aware of himself, his own values, his own strengths. He is also aware of his weaknesses, which he dares to admit – and not to hide them at the expense of others.
He can be trusted, can be counted on, whatever happens. With him, life is like a wide river. It moves, with great force, but calmly, not destructively. The Good Guy has the energy of a man, in the noblest sense of the word. And because he is well aware of this, he does not want to prove it wherever he appears. If people see it, he is fine with it, if they don’t, he is also fine with it. He doesn’t feel the need to prove it to anyone by fighting, destroying or by showing-off. He simply radiates it outwards, without any effort.
And then, of course, there are men who seem like Good Guys at first sight, but in fact, for some reason, they’re not…
When the problem is the masculine energy
This could include, for example, men to whom most of the above descriptions fit, but whose masculine energy is off. They are the ones who hide in the corner and whose women partners cannot fulfill their real female potential. Because in connections with such man, the woman has to take on a certain amount of masculine energy within the relationship. Or maternal energy, for that matter. These are the relationships where the balance is not right. As the man does not have enough masculine energy, the woman becomes more masculine or maternal than she should be (in a healthy balance). Or the woman becomes both maternal and masculine at the same time, combined. The point is that this is definitely not the way for a true healthy balance to develop.
I have met men like that. One of them for example, was very kind, attentive and caring, but the first feeling I had about him, besides all that, was that I couldn’t be a 100% woman with him. The ‘mother’ part of me was switched on. And that is a very bad sign. When a woman feels that she has to help him, to save him. In such cases, things would never begin being in balance. Of course, people can grow together and change these ways of functioning, but it always depends on both of the two people. Both of them need to recognize what their unhealthy pattern is to be changed in this relationship. And the best is if this realization happens at the same time for both of them. Well, these can be too many factors to be fulfilled easily all at once.
When the problem is the self-awareness
That man can also seem to be a Good Guy, who thinks that he has all the above-mentioned positive things in him, but the reality is the exact opposite. He is the one whose self-awareness is off. This is the man who does not see himself realistically and ignores his weaknesses. Perhaps he has simply never consciously reflected on his own abilities and qualities, and has never internalized any constructive feedback he received. Or he may even think of himself as being completely perfect, with this being on the edge of extreme narcissism already.
I have met such a man, and of the extreme kind. While his emotional intelligence was strongly converging to zero, he thought of himself as being the most emotional person in the world with the highest EQ. And when he received even the slightest feedback to improve, he went into a toddler-like tantrum. Not really a grown-up man behavior, let’s face it. As a next move, he started to blame the person giving him the feedback, for everything. The point was to blame anyone, but himself. He was unable to see that there were things he was not doing well, things he needed to improve at. Nor did he care how his actions and words affected the people around him. In the meantime, he was continuously convinced that he was the Good Guy. Well, I think you can see from this example, that this idea only existed in his head. In reality, none of it was true.
When the problem is… well, everything…
Now I’d like to mention another type of man who may seem like a Good Guy at first, but unfortunately, he can cause the most damage to women in my experience. He is the one who knows exactly how to be a Good Guy. And he uses this to manipulate you mercilessly. He gets to know the Woman and plays the Good Guy. He knows that he can easily seduce the Woman this way. And when she is already on the hook, the tables turn. He gives a glimpse into his true manipulative self and starts to push her down. If the Man is “lucky”, the Woman will believe that she is not good enough, that she is the problem. This way the Man will be dominant over the whole relationship and makes the Woman dependent on him. In such cases, the problem is really with everything, from the Man’s end…
Does this pattern sound familiar? No coincidence. He is the manipulative extreme narcissistic Man I have written so much about before. For example, in the interview with Anna, in which she talks about just such a relationship that had ended for her, or in my article on Psychological Abuse in Relationships.
Personally, I had the pleasure(?) of dating such an extreme narcissist before… Well, he could hold on to the Good Guy status for about 5 minutes, but what happened after, was shocking. You can read the story of this short but very “educational” date here.
The Bad Guy
Now that we’ve looked at the characteristics of a real Good Guy, and what it looks like when someone only seems to be one, let’s look at what a classic Bad Guy is like.
You could maybe say that he is the opposite of everything that a Good Guy is. And while such exact opposites of course exist, I think the picture is more nuanced than that. The main characteristic of the Bad Guy is that life is constantly in turbulence with him. What does that mean?
If the symbolism of the Good Guy is the wide, powerful but calm river, then the symbol of the Bad Guy is the rapid, unpredictable, dangerous mountain river that is used for white water rafting activities. The “good” thing about the Bad Guy is that there is always something to get excited or anxious about him…
You can have a good quarrel, have a verbal fight, then make up, then get upset with him for doing something not nice, then accept his apology, then the Woman can wonder if he really loves her (since he shows no particular sign of it), argue about it, or just try to win his love, etc., etc…
It is this constant push-pull game that is the main characteristic of the Bad Guy. When it is good being with him, it is very good, but when it is bad being with him, it can be destructive.
However, it is precisely because of these high amplitude swings that a dependency is formed. Because the Bad Guy gives something good and then takes it away. And the Woman does all she can, to try to get the good again – because she has become dependent on it. Like drugs. But it is an emotional addiction.
And of course, the Bad Guy enjoys his superiority and enjoys being chased by the Woman. It is also his way of trying to feed his own masculine ego, since his real masculine energy is obviously not at a healthy level. So, he tries to boost it by pushing the Woman down and playing this Bad Guy game – but I tell you, it’s in vain…
You can never build up from the outside what is really missing on the inside. Never. You have to do it from within.
But the Bad Guy doesn’t give a damn about self-knowledge, about conscious thinking, about continuous self-improvement. Carpe diem, living your daily life and playing your games. It’s just the way he likes it.
But actually, it is not good even for the Bad Guy either – but with a little complaining and helpless behavior, how well can a woman be manipulated, right? So, he can use this method as well. And in such cases the Woman happily jumps to him, feeling that she is important to her partner and that he loves her and needs her after all. Oh wait, no…. It’s all just part of the game. Push-pull…
In the next part of this article – coming soon – you can read about what type of women choose the Bad Guy as their partner, how they would react to a Good Guy and how this behavior can be changed.
If you liked this list, you can find my other article compilations here.