In the first part of the article, you could read about what a Good Guy in the good sense is and how to spot men who look like one but actually aren’t. I also wrote about the characteristics of a Bad Guy and what his main behavior mechanism is. Now I write about what kind of women choose a Bad Guy as their partner, and what would happen if such a woman were to be matched with a Good Guy.

You can also read about how a Woman can get to the point where she can indeed value a Good Guy, and what it looks like when she has achieved that goal.

Which women choose the Bad Guys?

kyle-broad-P9rQn2qcEV0-unsplash

The Woman who chooses a Bad Guy as her partner is one whose past already has this pattern of connection somewhere deep (or maybe not so deep). This Woman has already experienced, at an earlier stage in her life, what it is like to be involved in such an up and down game. Whether consciously or subconsciously, she knows how good it is to have someone’s attention, care and love. What an exhilarating feeling it is to feel that “yes, I won, I got it!”. But she also knows that when the relationship is in its ‘down’, it hurts. And these are the times when she mobilizes enormous forces to get back to the ‘up’ status. In fact, that’s what has driven her in the past, and it’s what drives her when she chooses the Bad Guy. Someone to fight for, someone with whom she can experience the ‘up’ after the ‘down’, then up and down and up… Endlessly.

When I say that she has experienced this pattern of connection somewhere in her past, I am intentionally not writing a relationship pattern. Because this Bad Guy-loving relationship pattern didn’t necessarily occur in her past relationships for the first time. Rather, it may have originated from her parents.

One option could be that the Woman’s parents themselves were in this type of relationship. Thus, from birth, the Woman saw this as the ‘ideal’ connection between man and woman. And then growing up, she followed this ingrained pattern in her own life. Even without realizing it. After all, if one doesn’t take the opportunity to consciously reexamine their parents’ relationship, they can carry a lot of harmful things with them, even for a lifetime.

The other option is that the Woman’s parents played this game of push and pull with her as a child. A child growing up with such parents learns that love is not unconditional, but has to be worked for. In the better case, she at least receives the love, attention and praise after working hard for them. In the worst case, not even then she receives any of it. In any case, the child struggles and struggles and does everything to finally feel loved and be taken into account by her parents. This is a huge burden for a child and it destroys her self-confidence, self-esteem and self-love in unspeakable ways.

Children would learn to love and value themselves through the way their parents love and value them. However, if the parents impose conditions to love and attention or simply deprive these from them completely, then there is nothing for them to learn.

This child grows up with this subconscious inner monologue in her head/heart/soul that she is not lovable by default, but she must fight for being loved. Constantly. And even if she gets that love, it is taken away from her very quickly. These are the previously mentioned ‘ups’ and ‘downs’ within their human connections.

No wonder, that this former child – now an adult woman – is looking for the same pattern in her relationship. She doesn’t know any better. She only knows how to struggle, that’s all. She believes that she’s not worth being loved. That’s why she chooses a partner – a Bad Guy – who can be a partner in this game. So, she can continue her life on the safe, familiar and painful path.

And what if fate were to bring her, in this state, together with a Good Guy?

matheus-ferrero-pBr4oS_a2Gs-unsplash

She would look right through him. She wouldn’t even notice him. But even if she did, she would find him terribly boring. After all, with the Good Guy, you can’t have these ‘ups’ and ‘downs’. There are no extremities.

With a Good Guy, the flow of love, attention, appreciation, etc. is constant. And it is something that this Woman does not know and cannot embrace. For her, a Good Guy would not be the Real Man. These are the Women who say, “you know, for me a real man is like XY, so badass”. To her the Good Guy is not the Real Man because that’s not what she saw growing up, that’s not what she experienced. And if she doesn’t consciously work on the harmful patterns she brings with her, she will probably never be able to appreciate all the good that a Good Guy could give her.

In fact, if by some chance she does end up in a relationship with a Good Guy, she may even become a psychological abuser herself. Thus, provoking to have some ‘ups’ and ‘downs’ after all. Even if she is the indicator, it is at least something, not only a “lukewarm water”.

Because for a woman with such a psychological wound, the calm, steady flow of positive things equals the lukewarm water.

Which is not really the reality, but only her inability to properly embrace what flows towards her. So, either she ends the relationship or she herself starts to create the ‘ups’ and ‘downs’.

How can a Woman come to appreciate the Good Guys?

jd-mason-Z-Raa90afE4-unsplash

In order for a woman to appreciate the love, appreciation, attention, consideration, equality and all other positive things that flows towards her from the Good Guy, she must first recognize the negative pattern she brings within herself. Then she must dig down to the depths of where it comes from. She must dissolve that event, that trauma. Then, moving forward, look through her other human relationships, to see in what other connections she has played this pattern – in romantic relationships? with friends? with her own children? in work situations?

The pattern can and does appear anywhere and everywhere. This is important to know. No psychological injury exists just by itself, in an isolated way, in one area of life. It is always spreading. Personal life, work, friends, parents, children, even in the interaction with the cashier at the grocery store it can be observed occasionally.

And while dissolving this pattern, the woman’s self-love, self-esteem, self-belief – and about everything else that is self… – must be built up simultaneously. Because these have been damaged in her life and these are the ones that keep her in the ruinous pattern.

What is it like when the Woman reaches her goal?

sharon-mccutcheon-pryAUCXGaU8-unsplash

This is when the Woman feels from the bottom of her heart that she no longer desires the ‘ups’ and ‘downs’. When she really feels, that she can appreciate being with a Good Guy, embrace what she receives from him and can also give all these to him.

She already knows that she wants a reliable partner who will be her companion in life, not her playmate in the game.

She can then accept the constant love and all the good things that a Good Guy can give.

And because the Woman has healed her own psychological wounds, she can also give all these to her partner. This is how harmony and a calm loving continuity are created.

It is then, that the Woman understands and feels that this is the best thing she can receive and give within a relationship.

I wish everyone to reach their goal in this area as soon as possible!

Related articles:

Women only ever want the bad guys… – or maybe not?

The fear of spending time alone

The fear of spending time alone – 2nd part

What is a Man-child & how to tell if you are one!

Toxic women: how to recognize them & what to do about it

Are you living with a narcissist? Signs & solutions of this toxic relationship

“If you loved me, you would know that…..” A typical female sentence revealed

Blocking behaviour mechanisms of the relationships

“Women only want money…” Is the stigma true?